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[STORY] CWAL Classics: Kazz in Sector Eleven
Posted by Forks from 45.72.132.*, on November 6, 12017 at 10:24:12:


Kazz in Sector Eleven: A WACKY INCREDIBLE SALVAGING STORY, by Kazz
Original Post Date: December 31, 2000



[On board the "Freddie," an extremely interesting cheap cargo hauler]

(Kazz Tawdal, an extremely interesting pilot who is very good at masking the fact that he is a beaver, is sitting at the controls of his starship.)

Kazz: Guess WHAT, Freddie?!

Freddie: What Kazz.

Kazz: We get to go SALVAGING!!

Freddie: Glinko. Excitement Exudes From My Very Existence.

Kazz: RIGHTO! Off to Sector 11!

Freddie: Yay. Autopilot Engaged. Glinko.

(Freddie is the last of a generation of starships designed by Glinko Permijian, the ex-convict who was recently executed for trying to make a torpedo out of howler monkey bones. It is the only starship around that:

* Has flame come from its engines.

* Has landing gear with wheels.

* Runs on DOS and only DOS.

* Uses rubber laser turrets.

* Has no communication devices whatsoever.)

Kazz: Where are them crazy wacky asteroids today?

Freddie: Glinko Glinko.

(Freddie's voice box was designed with the perk that it would repeat the name of its designer at random, for posterity.)

Kazz: Yay!

[Sector 11]

(Freddie shoots out of a wormhole and slams directly into the Sector 11 Outpost, a floating space station which is not oft-visited, to say the very least.)

Kazz: EEEK! They're after us! All weapons fire on the big scary thing!

(The rubber laser turrets rotate toward the Outpost and make pathetic squeaking noises.)

Freddie: Target Destroyed Glinko Glinko Glinko.

Kazz: Good. Where's the nearest salvage at, Freddie?

Freddie: GLINKO GLINKO GLINKO GLINKO GLINKO GLINKO.

Kazz: Then we're off!

(Using its horrendously slow conventional engines, Freddie floats off toward a random asteroid.)

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Salvage Received. It's A Rock.

Kazz: YAY!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Salvage Received. It's Glinko A Ball Of Frozen Water.

Kazz: YAY!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Salvage Received. It's A Piece Of GLINKOGLINKO Scrap GLINKO Metal.

Kazz: YAY!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Glinko Glinko Glinko Salvage Received. It's Another Rock.

Kazz: Aw. Jettison all cargo.

(Another perk of the Freddie is that its cargo bay is actually the space right behind the captain of the ship, and that the Jettison command just throws the ceiling of the ship.)

(The ship tears itself open and the salvage all flies up and into space. Kazz grabs onto his chair and screams with excitement.)



Kazz: WHEEEEE!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Salvage Received. It's A Rock GLINKO.

Kazz: YAY!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Glinko Salvage Received. It's A Ball Of Frozen Water.

Kazz: YAY!!

{45 minutes later...}

Freddie: Salvage Received. GLINKO I TELL YOU GLINKOOOO It's A Piece Of Scrap Metal.

Kazz: Let's go to the Outpost and transfer all our nifty salvage now!

Freddie: Sounds Fucking Phenomenal. Autopilot Engaged.

{706 minutes later...}

(As previously mentioned, the Freddie has no communication devices. So, Kazz has had to come up with an extra special way of reaching the Outpost's hangar operators for landing clearance.)

(Kazz walks to the airlock, holding a cardboard sign.)

Kazz: Freddie, open the airlock!

Freddie: Glinko.

(The airlock opens, sending Kazz hurtling out toward the Outpost.)

{A minute later...}

[In the Outpost Control Room]

Jim: Say, Bob, how did a couple of generic named guys like us get to be space station operators?

Bob: I guess we're just the luckiest guys alive, Jim.

Jim: I guess so.

Bob: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THAT ON CAMERA THREE?!?



Jim: Oh, that's Kazz. He's a Fringe pilot. Let him in.

Bob: Why the hell is he a blue and purple beaver?

Jim: Beavers turn blue and purple in space, dumbass!

(Jim grabs Bob and throws him out the window.)

Bob: AAAAAHHH!!!!

[The Docking Thing]

(Freddie is in the docking thing with Kazz. They got there with magic.)

Kazz: What's our salvage total come to?

Freddie: 1000 Credits GLIIIIINKOOOOO!!!

Kazz: WOW! Do you know how many TOFU-FLAVORED RATION BARS THAT WILL BUY?!?

Freddie: Glinko.

(Kazz runs off to the Ship Supply Store.)

{60 minutes later, on the Freddie}

Kazz: TOFU FLAVORED RATION BAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS!!!



* And so ends our wonderful story. *

- Kazz


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